Consent is Sexy; Just Ask Jamie Fraser

"There is nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.” This line is spoken by Cece on the hit comedy New Girl from the episode “The Landlord.” It sums up the ideas which get further fleshed out in 2x23 “Virgins,” in which each of the characters talk about their “first times.”

And it’s a problem.

That’s a sentiment that as a teenager, I took to heart. It made an impression on me, as all of the media I watched did, that consent was secretly the insecure fumbling of boys when real “men” didn’t ask, they took. The entire story arc for Jess is her going from insecure boys to getting a “man” to take her to bed.

The whole joke of Jess’s first failed attempt to have sex is that the young man ruins the mood by asking her at every turn if she is all right with what’s happening. And that’s it. That’s the joke. It is supposed to be so ridiculous that we should laugh outright that this boy is asking her if he can take off her clothes.

Moreover, the final, triumphant scene is when Jess is planning to go see her old flame and is instead picked up bodily by Nick and carried off to the bedroom, just like she was plucked away from Dylan O’Brien’s character by Teddy in her flashback. No question, no consent. Real men take what they want.

Yikes.

Now, I’m being particularly hard on New Girl. Jess certainly wants to have sex, and there’s some empowerment in that. But I expect more than that. Granted, this episode ran in 2013, which isn’t an excuse, but does remind us how quickly the cultural consciousness around consent and rape culture is changing for the better. I also think this episode earns every bit of criticism it gets, and probably more, as there is certainly further issues to delve into about weight, mental health, and stereotypes.

But New Girl isn’t the only offender, not by far. The amount of shows that have this underlying misogynistic messaging, that men take what they want and women are something that can be taken, is so large that naming the shows that directly combat that would be much easier. The one that comes to my mind, perhaps unsurprisingly if you’ve read my other writing, is Outlander.

I am not going to pretend that Outlander doesn’t overuse rape, because it does. It is used as plot device to further the story and depicted horrifically. The rapes though are plainly set apart from the sex scenes. Rape is an act of violence, not of sex, and Outlander does a good job differentiating those two. Rape scenes are shot very differently than sex scenes; in particular women are not sexualized whatsoever during rapes.

So, with the examples of rape, staunchly non consensual, laid out, we can see the exact opposite play out. Consent is often the turning point in Jamie and Claire’s romantic or sex scenes, and it is truly incredible.

The one that first comes to mind is from episode 1x09 “The Reckoning,” wherein Jamie and Claire have had a massive fight and Jamie spanked Claire. Their relationship is not okay. But after a genuine apology and sincere promise from Jamie, the pair are ready to go again. Jamie delivers one of the most powerfully sexy lines of the series, and the whole aim is consent.

And, well, if anyone claims that consent isn’t sexy, see below.

Consent on Outlander: 'Will you have me?"

But this speaks to the most important pieces of consent, to not only want the “yes” but the enthusiastic yes. Why would anything less be desirable? Why would it ever be considered? The reason Jamie asks consent, always, is because he views Claire as a full person, an active participant both in their marriage and in their sex lives.

For too long, romance and sex has been something that men do, and something that happens to women. And we see through Jamie and Claire just how untrue that is.

Consent on this show comes in many forms as well. It is the through line that connects so much of the main characters’ intimacy with each other. From the very famous and utterly fantastic “to bed or to sleep?” line to Jamie asking Claire if he can kiss her after their twenty-year separation.

Consent on Outlander: 'I would very much like to kiss you. May I?'

The music swells, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, and it’s all held up by consent.

Outlander also shows that consent isn’t just from men to women, but is necessary for any sexual partners. It’s used when Claire and Jamie, on their wedding night, have gotten a bit more comfortable with each other and Claire is giving Jamie some love bites. She asks “do you want me to stop?” and of course, Jamie doesn’t. But it’s another perfect example of consent.

Throughout the show, there are consistent and wonderfully sexy examples of consent. I also highly recommend this article about Outlander and Sex Education. It’s a great read and deep dive of teaching consent. Click the button below to read it.

There is definitely more to be said about consent. There is more nuance and discussion. And there is more work to be done than just changing the media we view to be better about consent in dismantling rape culture. But it’s a good start to ask more of our shows and movies.

We need to demand that consent be present in sex scenes, among couples on their first time or hundredth time, from women and from men, from kisses to sex. Because what’s sexy and not is a social construct.

So consent is sexy. Just ask Jamie Fraser.