I Am Sick of Asking Myself If My Clothes Are “Flattering”

On my Instagram account, I recently did a voting game on my stories about the red carpet outfits of Caitriona Balfe. A lighthearted game taught me something that really surprised me, and I wanted to share it here.

Now, Caitriona was a supermodel. She’s a major actress on an incredibly popular TV show as well as in major motion pictures. She is the height of what is conventionally attractive: tall, thin, beautiful. Sometimes, she dresses in clothing that accents that conventional beauty, and sometimes, she doesn’t. I was struck by how many people commented on how bad she looked in clothes that weren’t sleek and tight fitting. Essentially, people didn’t like the things that didn’t show off her body.

I certainly have made similar comments in my life, talking about whether what an actress wore was “flattering.” However, I think that is secretly pernicious and furthering sexist stereotypes. See, asking if something is flattering on ourselves, and even more on others, is implying that our clothing and our bodies are there for other people’s consumption. Especially women have historically not had the rights of our own person, and our bodies have been denied agency. Women are there to look at, and their value is determined by the male gaze.

Therefore, clothing has had more to do with how attractive it makes her to men than it does about her own comfort and taste. Now, of course, a lot of fashion has been reclaimed by women. Some of my favorite fashion trends have directly flown in the face of that idea, making a more masculine silhouette, or valuing comfort over style. But, too often, it’s still an instrument of misogyny at work.

To help illustrate this, I’ll tell you my recent declaration. I’ve stopped asking if the clothes I buy and wear are “flattering” or not and have stopped at if I like them or not. My body is not for you. My clothing choices have nothing do with the people looking at me and everything to do with my own enjoyment, taste, and comfort. For example, I have a dress I absolutely love that makes me essentially an orange blob with no hips and a wide waist. It’s not flattering. It is, however, comfortable, a great color, and fun to wear, and I wear it quite a bit.

I’m not saying I don’t still take something off if I think it doesn’t make me look good. I haven’t fully adopted this ethos, but I think it’s something good to consider.

To bring this back to my original example, Caitriona Balfe doesn’t need to wear something that shows her body off to look amazing. A focus on what’s flattering also tends to put women in completely different categories as to what she can wear based on weight and body type. More flesh and tighter fitting from a thin woman is considered flattering, while the opposite is true for heavier women. Again, wonderful body positivity activists and icons like Lizzo are making that less true, which is great. But when the script gets flipped, and a thin woman wears something baggy or covers herself up, people dislike it. When Billie Eilish wears big sweatshirts, people demand to know what’s underneath. When Caitriona Balfe cuts her hair and styles herself without showing skin, people say she looked better before. Or, I would say even worse, speculate about pregnancies and her bodily functions.

The truth is, I love fashion. I love talking about and assessing clothes, discussing the outfits of celebrities and models. And I think that’s a wonderful and enjoyable expression. We can still talk about what we like and what we don’t, but I think “flattering” is not a productive line of discussion. It’s great to say that a woman looks amazing when she shows off her body, but it’s also important to note that she looks amazing when her body is not so overtly on display.

So I have stopped asking myself if my clothes are “flattering,” and I’ve stopped putting that lens on other women. At least, I’m trying to. It’s not like flipping a switch, but I think this one is an important shift in perspective. So let’s applaud the styles we like, and wear the styles we enjoy, because our clothes are about us, and not the people looking on.