Jamie and Claire are Toxic at Times
Today I’ve been thinking about a moment from Drums of Autumn and, consequently, how to know when love is "toxic." Or, at least, how to recognize signs of it, particularly in media that so often makes toxic traits seem romantic.
Toxic is a kind of buzzword anymore. People throw it around haphazardly like “gaslighting” or other terms that do have specific and important meanings. When we use them casually or incorrectly, it waters down the meaning. So I want to be careful that I’m using the vocabulary correctly. The definition is ““any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.” I borrowed that from a Time article that I’ve linked below.
So keeping that definition in mind, let’s dig in.
A huge issue I had with the forth installment of the Outlander series was when Claire agreed that she would own slaves if that's what Jamie wanted to do. She agrees to this with a quote from the Bible, Ruth, in fact, stating “where you go, I will go.” This is a romantic line, even though the original, Biblical passage is spoken from daughter-in-law to mother-in-law. But when we step back from it, the larger problem, aside even from the whole owning people issue which is an entirely other can of worms, is that Claire has stated repeatedly how much of an issue she takes with slavery. It is against ever moral fiber of her being to do this, yet she agrees to do it for Jamie.
Now, a lot of times, we see that as a kind of romantic sacrifice. We look at the ways we are willing to give up for our partner as something beautiful. I'm not saying don't change and grow with the person you love; that's a huge part of love and maturity. But when someone is or feels forced to waver or change a strong moral idea that is part of their most basic makeup because they're afraid to lose the person, that's when it's toxic.
Jamie and Claire are, in many ways, a beautiful love story. But in the books especially, there are hints like this that show us a codependency that is alarming. Too often, media with romance at the center feature a "love" that becomes so important, people lose themselves to it. We teach women especially to sacrifice all of themselves for the dreams and ideas of their man.
Romances are never just one thing. Obviously there are many times Jamie is supportive of Claire and her modern ideas. But that Claire does this to herself, mutes her perspective and defers on such a massive issue, speaks to something dangerous she has internalized. As a strong woman with strong ideas who identifies with Claire, I felt betrayed in this moment. I wanted her to stand up for what she believes is right, because some things are worth losing your man over. Some things, like human rights and slavery, are the sort of moment that is make or break.
And, I want to say this again, because when I’ve talked about this topic before, some people believe that standing by Jamie no matter what is the right choice: some things are worth losing your man over. No one is worth compromising your morals over. Not like this. No one is worth owning people or hurting people, or doing absolutely anything you believe is wrong. When we start to compromise who we are for someone, it’s a slippery slope until we are unrecognizable. No romance is worth that.
It’s important to also remember that it isn’t as though Jamie is staunchly for slavery. He should be able to fully comprehend why it's wrong, and eventually does agree not to own slaves. But Claire is the one with strong feelings. She's the one who would have to make the bigger, deeper sacrifice. So why is she the one sacrificing?
Obviously most of us aren't confronting slavery in our relationships. But every day, we are making choices about our goals, future, and morality. Every day, women are particular are deferring to their partner because if someone is going to make a sacrifice, we've been told since birth it needs to be us. It doesn't. We all make sacrifices in relationships, and we should. But when you start giving up those things that make you yourself, the moral things you believe at your very core, for another person, that's when it becomes toxic.
