We Need to Take “Just Friends” Out of Our Vocabulary
This started as a response to the people who simply will not accept that the stars of Outlander, Sam Heughan and Caitriona Balfe, are not a real-life couple, but it became a defense of the value of friendship. The terminology we use, “just friends,” has massive implications that hurt us and our relationships.
There is a toxic idea that the only way heterosexual men and women can have a meaningful relationship is through romance.
This of course discounts and hides the infinite varieties of relationships between people of all genders and sexualities. While we often like to put people and things, even relationships, into neat boxes, people simply do not fit that. We are far too complex, and therefore our interactions are layered and nuanced. It is what gives life spice and interest.
In that desire to categorize, as a society we are often unnerved or afraid of those who don’t fit into a prescribed box. This might include a pair of actors who play onscreen lovers, with undeniable chemistry, but are firm in their conviction that they are not a romantic couple. They seem cute and sweet with one another, so we desire to pair them up like we did with our Barbie dolls (or, at least, that’s what I did).
Falling into the trap that “men and women can’t be friends” is actually a subtle misogyny.
It’s telling us that men should only spend time with women to get romantic and sexual gratification, as well as for reproduction, as that’s traditionally the end goal. It also classifies men as incapable of thinking about anything other than sex and romance, and reducing women to their only asset in relationships being as a sexual partner for men.
A prime example of this pernicious bit of culture comes in the show New Girl, a show I very much enjoy. But main character Jess is having a purely sexual relationship, so she is essentially getting her emotional needs met through hanging out with roommate Nick. Another of their roommates “calls out” Nick, that he is being a boyfriend without getting any of the “benefits” of a boyfriend, ie. sex.
Granted, I think New Girl lands on a pretty good note for their characters, who realize they can still hang out and help each other, but decide to not fully rely on each other for full emotional fulfillment. However, the premise is not argued.
The case is that friendships are inherently seen as lesser when, in fact, friendships can often outlast romances and marriages.
Take the many friendships central to the show Friends. While pairings like Ross and Phoebe have strong, sweet moments, even those who are sexually attracted to each other, like Joey and Rachel, value their friendship higher than a potential romance. For a show that coined the term “friendzone” referring to Ross and Rachel, the ethos of the show is that friendship is a goal in and of itself.
Friendship is not a means to an end, it is a relationship of the highest value.
I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of the relationship of Catriona and Sam. I will never discount that, in their private lives, things have happened or are happening that they aren’t telling us. Which, by the way, is perfectly fine. They owe us none of their lives they don’t want to share, but that’s a stance for another day.
They self-describe as a “brother and sister” bond, which, considering they play exceptionally and impressively steamy lovers onscreen, is a bit strange. Yet it speaks to the need they feel to define their relationship as so clearly non-romantic it has to be familial. If people were more accepting of, and placed a higher value on, friendships, they could perhaps be more upfront about their relationship, and wouldn’t feel a constant need to defend it.
Personally, I am happy that the stars of my favorite TV show aren’t a couple: couples break up.
I watched my favorite show as a teenager, The Vampire Diaries, go along a bit of a roller-coaster that was certainly influenced by the relationship of two of the main stars. They broke up, and eventually, whether directly related or not, she left the show. The pressure to couple up can lead to messy results.
I’m not saying don’t try for those romances; there are obviously immense benefits to finding a romantic partner. What I am saying is that there are immense benefits to friendships as well. Moreover, relationships are complicated, and ones that don’t fit into precise categories can be very valuable.
It is not easy to cultivate a lasting friendship for the length of years. It takes work and dedication. When you find someone you can be with, relax with, and truly enjoy, you have to show them you care for them and value them. It is a relationship, and all the pieces that keep relationships going, such as communication, time investment, selflessness, are all present in friendships as well.
Often we neglect our friendships for our romantic partners. Of course we have to have priorities, and real friends understand when those priorities have to shift slightly away from them. However, when we remember the value of friendships, it leads to a richer, better life for all of us. We can’t just rely on one person to fulfill every part of us; we need people in our lives. We need friends who have similar interests as us, and friends who are very different. We need variety in relationships, and to set a high premium on the relationships that can and do sustain.
Friendship is not “just” anything.